I love you "EGAN"....

I never thought I would live with regret about anything, but, I was wrong. I had put off calling my grandparents and talking to them about the birth of Gavin...I was just to "busy" and I would get the chance later. I was wrong and will forever regret that in my heart. Tomorrow they will be letting my Grandpa go to a place where he will hurt no more, they don't know how long he will be with us once they turn the machines off, but, we all know he doesn't want to hurt. The other night while talking to my mom she said she just knows in her heart he will just fall asleep and that he will go when ready. I was able to go and spend time with him, but, not hear him talk to me or say "I love you baby"....when I was talking to him at one point I know he heard me because his worried scowl suddenly came across his face...it was the same scowl Gavin is known for already...I know my little man has a piece of him and I will always have Grandpa with me because of that. I wrote in an earlier post the meaning of Gavin's name....my Grandpa read that and to me that meant a lot. He was so proud Gavin had his name....In July when I told him I was planning on the name Egan to be a part he thanked me and just beamed with joy...I will never forget that moment and I am so glad I had the chance to tell him that in person. I will miss him more than I can express in words, but, I know now he will always be watching over my babies and he will make sure we are taken care of. I know some people will be thinking "Why are you posting something so personal"....truly, its my blog and these are my feelings, but, I want everyone to know how proud I am that this man was MY grandfather...I have 5 important men in my life Dave, Gavin, My Father, Brother, and Grandfather...I love them all unconditionally and if I was given the choice me or them I would die for each one of them. My grandpa stood by me through so many things, never judged, and loved me just the same. Getting my tattoos when he first saw them he called me a "dumb shit" something he was known to do...to me and my family it really was a term of endearment as weird as that may sound (you would have to know him)....When I joined the church, he gave me his scriptures from when he was young....the only extended family member to not question me in my decision. When Dave and I got married he was the only family member from my mom's side of the family to not only support me, but, to come to the reception. With the birth of my children he has been so proud and happy for us both and expressed his love endlessly. He is an amazing man and I feel lucky to have had him been such a big part of my life. My only wish is that my son could meet him, but, I know they love each other and again will always be connected through a scowl and a name. Grandpa, I love you...thank you for the runs by the reservoir, the straight forward talks, sitting in your backyard and just looking at birds or snow, thank you for that smile, thank you for teaching me that an onion can go with ANY meal and I mean any, thank you for showing me how to hold my head up when I don't think its possible, thank you for being one of the connections Rick and I have left, thank you for always making me feel like I was the center of your universe, and most of all thank you for the hugs and kisses. I am sorry I didn't call, but, I love you EGAN.