MY MEMORIES...(long long post)

over the last week i have been doing a lot of remembering. i blame it on the over dose of dayquil and cough medicine or the rain...which ever, it has drawn out a lot of emotion. the kids and i are down and out with colds, coughs, and everything that comes with. we've been grouchy and tired, no fun at all! each night even though i vow to go to bed early i have sat in bed thinking about my life, in all of its 26 years.

what is your first memory? how old were you? i always wonder this about the people in my life. about my kids...what will they remember most? the hugs, the kisses, the i love yous or will it be the things they get or the events they have.

my first memory, i was probably 3 or 4. I was at my aunt and uncles house. my brother and i were staying the weekend while my parents were out of town, it was fall, i believe. i remember going outside with out an adult. i think my brother was playing basketball and i snuck past him, or something. i wanted to feel the pool water, this was before they had fences, i knew i wasn't supposed to. my aunt and uncle had 2 big dogs, tar and snow. i remember leaning down to touch the water and lifting up the COVER (it was fall after all). i turned around to pet the dogs and lost my balance. I can still see my wind breaker going over my head and the cover following shortly after. apparently, my brother does love me because not long after, he had me. that is all i remember, but, its so clear in my mind.

i feel like my mind this last week has been a slide show.

I remember spending saturday mornings playing cops and robbers with my brother, until "the mask" came out (only him and my parents really know what i am talking about), to scary for me. or we would spend them watching the police testing at cashmen field. we had eggs and bacon EVERY saturday. I remember christmas's at the cabin, trying to sneak up to see what Santa brought. i can still smell the wood and pine. i remember going sledding and flying off of Rick's back into a road blocker...that was fun. Soccer tournaments are a big memory for me. Our family spent thousands of hours over the years at the "silver bowl" watching the games. If we ever heard my dad from the sidelines we knew we weren't playing up to par.

i remember 4th grade very well. i was in ms. kennedy's class, she fell off the stool once. mostly, i remember when the office aide came in and pulled her aside to tell her my dad had been taken to the hospital. i remember her kneeling at my desk, i can still smell her. that day was the start of months doing homework in halls and making sunrise hospital our second home. i remember sobbing to my mother in her bathroom and having her convince me he wasn't going to die. i remember her smell, oh how i love that smell. jergens and aveda, that is my mother. i remember her almost burning the house down from the OUTSIDE grill. Rick made dinner most nights, he helped with homework, made sure i was to practices on time. he was a great older brother. 4 months later my dad came home. a few years later, history repeated itself. my brother was thrown into parent mode. mom at the hospital and rick taking care of lucy. again, after months my father returned home.

i remember my first huffy bike. it was pink, with a radio, i rode it every chance i got. i remember sneaking into my brother's room and stealing hot wheels (sorry rick). i would play for hours in hiding with my barbies and my brother's hot wheels.

i remember the day my brother left for the Marines. one of his best friends couldn't help but point out me crying in the corner after he got on the plane. i was scared and proud at the same time. i felt lost, i felt as though i had just become an only child. things would never be the same, i knew it.

my first day of high school. hahaha meeting a girl named jenny, what fun we would have over the next 9 years.

going to my brother's military graduation, i was the only one who could tell which one he was. i remember being scared to death of drill instructors, their voices alone gave me chills.

September 11th, 2001. I was in ms. simmons class, my brother was a marine. Jenny's boyfriend was in the Navy. frantic phone calls were made and tears were shed. that was scary day.

driving to Bremerton, WA from Las Vegas, NV oh the fun we had. what a great spring break. hahaha jenny and i running to each other in the BHS parking lot after that week, how dramatic were we. i miss those 2 girls, a lot.

playing varsity soccer in high school, i remember getting a letter from Rick, saying how proud he was and that i finally did it. both of us knowing that his legacy got me my spot on the team. The coach was known for favoring alumni's siblings. i was ok with it.

hurting my knee, worst moment thus far of my life, knowing any dreams i had were over.

getting my first car..."the ghetto box". crashing my first car, when a stupid sophomore ran the stop sign on oakey. i have never wanted to hurt a person more. getting my cavey...my parents surprised me after work...it was in the garage with a big red bow!

UNLV football games with my brother and his friends. we were much to young, but, it was fun at the time.

shopping with my mom and errands with my dad. i always had my time with both parents and they always seemed to make it special. whether it was a shared cheeseburger or a shared coke i have memories from both.

i remember leaving las vegas for what i thought was forever, only to return 4 months later. then to leave again less than 30 days after that.

i remember getting baptized August 15th, 2003, after years of knowing it is where i was meant to be.

moving to utah county after 2 years in salt lake. getting a push from my "parents" deb and Lawrence to do something with my life. working 2 jobs and finally living on my own. it was great.

then came december 2005, Lawrence knocked on my apartment door at 11 pm and informed me my dad was in the hospital and things didn't look good. he had fallen off a ladder and hit his head. i was in vegas with in 10 hours and spent 3 weeks at my father's bedside. rick's girlfriend made christmas that year perfect and i remember having a conversation with him telling him she was the one and to get a ring on that finger. he listened.

i remember the day i saw a tall, dark, and handsome boy, with the most breathtaking blue eyes sitting in the back of the chapel next to my crush Micheal Barrett. he was visiting. a month later i saw the boy again. he was wearing a blue button up with, thick black framed glasses. he was dating a girl named ali, i didn't love her, in so many words. i forgot about him and felt sorry he chose her and continued on dating...a lot. 3 different guys to be exact.

i remember going to the NuSkin girl's house...huge by the way. that was the first night i talked to this boy, his name was dave. we had the same phone and we talked about that for a while. nerds. from then on out we "ran" into each other a lot. April 9th we had our first kiss. not long after he told me he had fallen (he is going to kill me), i asked him if it hurt? i felt the same way it was scary. June 9th we were engaged, he asked if i would marry him..i said "maybe someday". October 7th we were married for time and all eternity.

i remember the day i knew i was meant to marry david. after weeks of doubt and fear, it was a very spiritual confirmation, it is what we both needed.

i remember the day we were married. the snoring lady in our sealing. Erica 9 months pregnant laughing and trying not to pee her pants. Micheal Barrett (hahah my old crush) shaking her to wake her up. Jenny's dad switching rings on me. the love i had for DPW that day.

i remember the day i found out i was pregnant with addie, scared and excited. unexpected to say the least.

i remember the day she was born, it was again unexpected 3 weeks early. dad and rick drove through the night. we welcomed a beautiful, tiny, baby girl.

i remember not feeling like myself...for months actually, only to get told i had severe postpartum...if only i had known.

i remember February 2008, it was the beginning of the worst 5 months of my life. with in the same month i found out we were expecting gavin. i called dave while he was at ikea with his parents. we didn't want to tell anyone. i prayed to lose the baby, i didn't want to bring it into a broken home and with in hours was in the hospital with bleeding. i prayed harder to make everything ok. it was.

i remember growing up in those 9 months and being able to fall in love with Dave all over again.

i remember holding gavin for the first time and thanking him for bringing us all back together.

i remember the doctor coming in at 4 am and telling me he was sick. i remember brit pushing me down the hall and having to turn around because i couldn't handle seeing gavin so sick. i had her go in and see him for me. we are lucky to have such amazing family.

i remember the dress add was wearing when she came to the hospital...purple and green polka dots..she was a toddling toddler and i was so scared for her future because of all the stuff we were "going" to encounter with gavin.

i remember leaving the hospital with a perfect baby boy.

addie is a great big sister and has been since day 1. i remember her helping me with the baby. giving him his binky, diapers...for a 1 year old, she was fantastic.

i remember getting the news my grandpa was sick. he has slipped into a coma and they didn't think he would make it. i drove through the night with a 1 year old to say good bye. i couldn't touch him, but, i needed a hug from him all the same. he died 3 days later. i remember feeling empty, we had a special bond. being his only granddaughter he loved me in a all the ways a grandpa should...he was a perfect man. i often remember his voice saying "hi baby" or the hugs and kisses they are followed by sadness, but, i am glad i have them.

i remember the first time i saw different characteristics of all of the important men in my life come through in my little boy. he has the Egan scowl as does rick, he looks like both his grandpa's and has his daddy's eyes.

i have so many memories and have revisited most in the last week. its funny the things that have impacted my life the last 26 years, the little things, the sad things, the people, and friends. if i have one hope for my children it is that they make lasting memories. whether its with each other, family, or friends i hope that they too can look back on their lives and realize just how lucky they are, as i have this past week.