STRESS

stress seems to be attached to my hip lately. it follows me everywhere. i am not good with stress, i never have been. i am learning if you don't learn to handle it, your body does for you. trust me, that is not a good thing. i worry about everything and not only worry, but, pick whatever it maybe apart and worry about it piece by teeny, tiny piece. i am crazy, i acknowledge it.
i feel guilty for some of the things i have, should I? i don't know. have we always been smart with money, umm no. have we received nice things from family, yes. why do i feel bad for that?
i stress about raising my kids in the best way possible. i want them to be successful in life. i want them to have what they want. i want them to be true to themselves and the values we instill in them. i want them to know i love them unconditionally and would give my life for them in an instant. i am freaking out because my kids are growing up way to fast. last night i rocked G for the first time in ages, i can't lie, i woke him up at midnight to do it. as we rocked he started to scratch my arm, something he used to do for comfort as a baby, i cried. why do babies grow so fast and why didn't i take advantage of my tiny babies. its going by at a lighting speed and i just want it to slow down.
i stress about what people think about me, mainly family. why? i don't know its stupid, but, just like anyone else i want to feel loved and i don't. will i ever be good enough? will i ever have close relationships i witness and long to be a part of? will i always be judged? will being judged ALWAYS bug and hurt me?
i want to be a good wife, but, can someone explain to me how you do that when you don't see your husband. i don't count seeing my husband at 11 pm as spending quality time together. we are both to tired to hold any sort of meaningful conversation. i miss him when he is not around. i miss his hugs, his kisses, his laugh. i miss seeing him with our kids at night when they are winding down. i miss my little family and still have at least a year before i will be able to spend the down time with them.
i get to school and i stress about the changes that are being made. i can thank heavenly father for some sanity in that department because EVERYONE is on the verge in that place. i have cried to these girls twice this week. i don't want my kids to look back years from now and say they don't remember mommy being home for bedtime. you may think i am crazy, but, really it is the most painful thing to not kiss my kids or husband for that matter good night. i know everyone makes sacrifices, but, this one SUCKS! i am a mother first, period. i may not be perfect, but, i am.
our school has been purchased by a very large, well known, brand. i am excited about the education i am going to receive because it is the best of the best. however, i am not excited about the time i will be spending away from my family. i am not excited about the next 2 weeks and the questions that hover over that place.
i stress about my health and the health of dave and the kids. like i said before, stress does a number on your body i.e. your jaw and stomach. its scary. A still has a cough, though its much better and G has a runny nose and cough. will it be like this every year? when will i stop re-living G's past health issues and worry less about him.
i don't know why i am writing such personal things. i guess i don't want to keep them in anymore, but, why do i feel the need to explain myself on MY blog. its annoying.
even though i am stressed to the max right now, the gospel, dave, the kids, my parents, and my friends will help me through it. they always have and they always will.
i write that down, but, i need to remember it, always.