why on my son's first birthday was i horribly sad, yet more grateful than i have probably ever been...it doesn't make any sense. i sat all day today, literally living the day he was born over in my head. it was such a calm day, our baby boy was finally on the way after 3 hours of convincing my mom and dave i was pretty sure my water was leaking and we should head to the hospital. after 4 hours of waiting, 3 hours of labor, and 2 min (maybe) of pushing...there he was, a wonderfully, beautiful, baby boy. i begged the nurses to lay him on my chest and let me hold him since i didn't get that chance with A, they did and i fell in love. little did i know the next 48 hours would be hard, on everyone. our little man would prove what strength really is, he would bring his family closer and closer together, and he would teach his parents to truly and i mean truly depend on each other and only each other in the private times of tears and sorrow. i cried more than i have ever cried before, most of the time in the bathroom...don't ask me why. i couldn't hold my baby, i couldn't feed him, i was not healthy and neither was he. i can't tell you the questions that went through my mind...was it my fault? what about a? how can this happen to such a beautiful baby boy? however, nobody could deny the fighting, sweet spirit of this baby...he was amazing.
as today went on i would remember things...happy things. as this night has gone on i have become sad. I remember the doctor coming in at 4:36am telling me he was needing O2 i woke dave up and we prayed. the morning came and we went to the nursery i was shocked to see him screaming being held down by a nurse with the cpap on...devastating, i left. dave stayed. it was hard, i couldn't help him, nobody was even supposed to touch him besides the medical staff. i was his mother that was my job to make him feel better...i couldn't.
after 2 weeks he came home. healthy. wonderful. mine. ours. 2 mo later he would jump another health hurdle and yet 2 mo after that he would do the same. each time impressing medical staff with his strength and leaving his mark on their hearts.
its been one of the most amazing year of my life. he alone saved our family. he alone completed it. he is the perfect clone of his father, with a little bit of my attitude and stubbornness. he is boy, all boy...its has taken some getting used to but i love it. he loves cars and dirt, bugs and food. his laugh is contagious, his personality is delightful. he is our baby g and as i sit here crying....i realize, he is a my blessing....the love i have for that little boy is endless. i must have done something right at some point. i am his mother and i am one lucky lady!
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